How to Manage Post-Election Emotions and Relationships

Leading up to the election, people on both sides claimed if the other side claimed victory, it would be the end of our democracy with no more presidential elections. No matter who won, there would have been a lot of fear, anger, and angst.

How can we manage the fallout without ruining our relationships? The first part will be about how we emotionally deal with our feelings, and the second part will be about how we manage our relationships.

Managing strong emotions after the election

The first step is to accept your feelings: positive, negative, mixed, or numb. It doesn’t do any good to deny how you’re feeling or be critical of your response.

The second step is to question your assumptions or beliefs that are connected to very strong feelings. It doesn’t mean your feelings are wrong; the worst could always happen. But it’s worth questioning whether your response is accurate. The same goes for people who are euphoric.

Also, recognize your feelings may change over time. We hardly ever feel as miserable or as happy for long periods of time. Given this, when you’re in the midst of a strong emotional response, avoid saying or doing anything you can’t take back.

I recently heard from a physician who had a patient coming in with stomach pains, but when they were running tests, they couldn’t find anything it could be attributed to. He asked her, “Is there anything stressful going on?” She told him that when her son found out she and her husband voted for Trump, he responded, “You are no longer my parents. You are dead to me.” Of course, they can (and hopefully will) make amends, but this will still leave a scar. (As could boycotting Thanksgiving because your relatives voted differently.)

I also strongly recommend you avoid social media—an engine of outrage—and consider going on a media diet—cutting back on your favorite cable news shows. If you know you’re in a very distressed emotional state, it’s good to avoid anything that will feed it. This includes avoiding emotional contagion from the people around you.

Managing our relationships after the election

To me, the biggest threat in the wake of the election is the impact it will have not just on our emotions but on our relationships. Extended families and lifelong friend groups are places of political diversity; they are filled with people who think and vote differently from you. Because of this, we have to be careful that our emotions around the election don’t seep their way into our relationships.

1. Separate your negative feelings about political leaders and the people in your life.

The first step here is to separate your negative feelings about political leaders from the people who vote for them. Specifically, don’t displace your anger and frustration with politicians on the people in your life.

It’s easy to get upset with political leaders, but since we often can’t get to them, we channel those feelings toward those in our lives who support them. But here’s the thing: the person in your life is not Donald Trump or Kamala Harris. They’re not The New York Times or Fox News. Even if you think they’re getting their ideas from them, they are not them.

2. Avoid expecting others in your life to think and feel like you.

A lot of family conflict comes down to this: “I need you to change in order for me to feel good.” But as I like to say, “If I feel betrayed by how you voted, that’s my problem.” Because no one owes me their vote. Even if I’m completely appalled with their choice, that’s my issue to deal with.

So, the question here is: Can you emotionally self-regulate knowing that someone important to you sees things differently? It’s up to you to protect your relationship and resist the urge to act on your frustration. And often, the closer the relationship, the harder this is. Now, that doesn’t mean we accept everything from our loved ones. If they are coming on strong to you or trying to change your views, you can set limits, push back, and set boundaries.

This principle also applies to people you agree with. There is conflict that’s occurring among people who are on the same side politically. Some of that comes down to personality. Even if they agree, somebody may be more inclined to say, “We will see what happens, I’m not going to get myself worked up. I don’t want to talk about it all the time.” On the other hand, the other person may feel agitated, and their way of coping is to talk and vent. Here, the question is: Can we accept each other’s coping styles and accept there’s nothing wrong with wanting to vent or not wanting to talk about it?

It comes down to this: Accept somebody’s way of seeing and coping with the world as long as they’re not telling you that you have to see or cope their way.

3. Question your assumptions about why people voted for the other side.

On the ground, people are often much more complex than what we see on TV or in the polls. In the Braver Angels Red/Blue Workshop, we ask people what reservations they have about their own side. The answers can be surprising. When we come to these conversations with humility, we show our views are often much more complicated than a “Red” or “Blue” label.

This is why it’s so important to question our assumptions. When we don’t, we can fall into the belief that anyone who voted for a person signed up for their full agenda—no ifs, ands, or buts.

But there can be sharp divisions on the same side.

That may be easier to identify when it’s our own side. I’ve found that there’s a tendency for people to see extreme views on the other side as a core part of the party but extreme views on our own side as fringe.

So, assume complexity on the part of your loved ones because otherwise, we are angry at a stereotype.

4. Work on understanding how people see themselves politically and why they voted how they did.

I recommend consciously working on understanding how people who differ from you politically see themselves and why they voted the way they did. If it’s a simple answer, it’s probably wrong or very incomplete.

We should seek to understand people who disagree with us not just on our terms but on their terms. Here’s the trick: If you can’t explain to somebody your understanding of why they voted the way they did with them responding, “Yes, you got it,” then you have not understood them.

5. Don’t dismiss other’s fears of your side as exaggerated or point-scoring.

Only in the last six months have I come to grips with this: Each side has grave fears about the other, and we tend to dismiss the other side’s fears. When people are enthusiastic about Trump, and they hear fears about losing our democracy, what some Reds may say is: you’re exaggerating, or I’ve heard that point before. The tendency is to not take it seriously, which is understandable. The other side’s fears can be threatening—you almost have to dismiss it. But we shouldn’t.

In my Braver Angels work, I’ve learned that Reds understand Blues’ fear more than Blues understand Reds’ fears. From a Red perspective—especially a conservative Christian perspective—Blues have won the culture wars. There has been change at breathtaking speed. Imagine then a fear that voting for Harris could be the beginning of a trend where American society becomes so thoroughly Blue that it would threaten our individual freedoms.

There are real fears on either side. When it’s our own side, we have no trouble getting in touch with them. When it’s the other side, we tend to dismiss them. We shouldn’t.

6. Focus on shared values and hopes for our country and its people.

The biggest thing I’ve learned from Braver Angels work is that disagreeing on policies doesn’t necessarily mean we disagree on values. Someone may not support the policy of affirmative action but still want equal protection for people.

We think if we differ on policy, we live in different moral universes. But we are not so far apart in our fundamental values and aspirations. There are not many people who wake up and wonder how to undermine the health and welfare of our children—even if they have strong differences in how to get there. Not equating policy differences to differences in hopes for the nation keeps me connected to people I disagree with.

7. Try humility in your predictions about future events.

So many of our arguments—including amongst people who agree—are about predictions about what’s going to happen. Who knows exactly what’s going to happen? You could be mostly right, partly right, partly wrong, or mostly wrong. As Yogi Berra once said, “It’s tough to make predictions, especially about the future.”

8. Decide if you want to be a bridge builder.

We have left our children more bridge burners per capita than bridge builders. When I started working with Braver Angels, I decided I was going to commit to being a bridge builder. We don’t have to abandon our beliefs in order to build bridges with the other side. As we say at Braver Angels, “Our goal is not to change people’s views of the issues, but to change their views of each other.”

I hope this was helpful to you as we head into Thanksgiving. For more information, or if you have any questions, mark your calendars for Saturday, December 7th at 2 p.m. ET for a national session on Managing Intense Emotions and Important Relationships after the Election.

— Bill Doherty, co-founder of Braver Angels